A Case of the Mondays.

Today was kind of an interesting Monday.

First let me give you some background information. Yesterday afternoon, Kam woke up from her nap saying her leg was hurting her. She was crying huge tears and asking to put ice on her leg. They think ice packs heal everything, you know. So she sat on the couch, most of the night holding a bag of frozen corn on her thigh. We thought that maybe she had run into something, hit her leg on the car door, or knocked her knee on the wall or something. She is pretty clumsy. I gave her some Tylenol because I also think she’s cutting a back tooth. She went to bed, but woke up off and on all….night….long. Felt like we were back in the newborn phase again! Poor baby. Ryan and I were starting to be more and more concerned. Hard to tell at this point if her leg was bothering her still, or if it was her teething. When one of us would pick her up to comfort her, she would squirm as though it hurt.

So, this morning she seemed alright. She kept grabbing the back of her leg or pointing to her inner thigh and was still walking with a very small limp. When I asked her what hurt, she wouldn’t respond. No fever, eating normally, smiling. So, I took her to school, as usual but filled her teachers in on what was going on and asked them to let me know if they noticed her moving strangely or acting like she was in pain. I called about 9:30 and they said she seemed OK, wasn’t walking around much and was kind of clingy. But then, around 10, they called me back. Said that she started crying when she went potty and said she didn’t want to get off the potty because it hurt. ???

So, I immediately called the doctor & tried to get an appointment. Now I’m thinking its a urinary tract infection or she’s constipated or her leg is seriously hurting her…and I’m getting very concerned. I take her straight to the doctor’s office and she examines her, watches her walk, etc. The doc was certain that she had what is called toxic synovitis in her hip. What? Sounds scary, right? She sent us over to the hospital to get a blood test done to rule out anything more severe than this toxic something-or-another. She said that if one of her counts in her blood was high, it could be something more serious and we’d have to go visit the orthopedic surgeon. Um, excuse me?!! By this point, I’m nearly in tears. Being that I’m already a pretty emotional person, and in light of recent events – extremely emotional, I was trying hard to hold it together. I asked the doc if I should be stressed and if I should cry…to which she answered no. What else was she supposed to say to that question? She assured me that she didn’t really think it was serious, it was simply a precautionary measure. Breathe in, breathe out.

So, I call Ryan and he meets us to go to the hospital. We get the blood work done – Kam was a champ. Never cried, just said “ouch” when they pricked her, and was such a big girl! We were proud. We got the results back and her count was low, it was definitely this toxic hip thingy, which apparently is very common and treated with Motrin. Thank you Lord! Oh, and I forgot to mention – she has an ear infection too. My poor baby! So, most likely what happened is that she has an ear infection and the infection got in her hip, causing pain. Ryan took her to the bakery to get a cookie this afternoon as a treat…she picked out the gingerbread girl.

So, I tell you this story for two reasons. One, pray that my baby girl heals quickly…it breaks my heart seeing her pain. Second, all you moms out there – if your child says their leg hurts & they’ve recently had a cold/infection – it very well could be their hip. I had never heard of this before! I’ve always thought that one of the hardest things about parenting (thus far) is when something is wrong with your baby and they don’t know how to tell you and you don’t know how to help them.

Now, getting ready for bed to see what Tuesday brings…

The “Anger” Phase.

I’m mad. There, I said it.

I guess over the past week, I have officially stepped into the anger phase of grief. I have to say, I don’t like this phase one bit. In fact, I hate it. The angry phase itself makes me angry. Denial is much easier. And I’m the type that cries when I get mad, so I’ve cried more this week than I have in a while. Its exhausting.

What am I mad at? Well, the grief books will tell you that typically people are angry at God or at the deceased. I am not mad at anyone – just mad at everything…not at Dad or at God, I guess just more at the circumstance. I am mad that Dad is considered “the deceased.”

What started these feelings? On our way back home from vacation last Sunday, I began to think about Addi’s 4th birthday coming up next month. Which led me to think about the fact that Poppy won’t be there. Then, I started thinking about all of the happenings that take place over the Fall/Winter timeframe that he wouldn’t be at…his 10 mile birthday run, all of my siblings birthdays, Thanksgiving, the Turkey Trot, White Rock Half, Christmas, football season, etc. Thinking about this as we drove down the road made me burst into tears and then…anger arrived. He physically won’t be at anything ever again. Ugh. It just all feels very unfair and very unbalanced.

Why am I telling you this? The grief books also say that you shouldn’t suppress your anger, because it could be worse in the long run if you do. Hence the reason I’m blogging about it now & telling friends about it.  For one – I don’t want anyone to ever think I’m being rude or cranky or short. Second, I am trying to be open and honest about this, like I strive hard to do in everything, because I don’t do fake. I am truly thankful for friends that allow me to be transparent and continue to love me.

Gosh, I just realized how selfish this post sounds. Looking back I see there are a ton of “I’s”. There are so many people grieving my Dad, not just ME. See, even this post makes me mad. But, let me go ahead and continue to be selfish and ask you….please pray for me right now. I don’t like to be angry.

He’s got Poppy with Jesus in his hands.

Many of you have asked how Addi and Kam are doing through all of this. As you know, our kids LOVE Grandma & Poppy. We have been blessed to live near them the last few years and spend a lot of time with them on a regular basis…definitely a God thing.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to handle telling them or what exactly to do. Heck, I still don’t even know how I’m supposed to handle it myself. We figured Addi was old enough and smart enough to understand, so Ryan & I wanted to make sure we did the right thing and approached her tender heart carefully. So after seeking advice from my mother and my grandmother, we determined to tell the girls that Poppy is living with Jesus now and that he’s so happy and will always be in our hearts. We didn’t let them see him at the funeral home, because that would have been too confusing.

They both seemed pretty unaffected for several days. They both loved going to Grandma’s house every day and playing with their cousin Kendrick…pretty distracted during the days of the viewing, funeral, etc. Every now and then, they would ask, “Where’s Poppy?” or “Where’s Hoppy?” – depending on the which child was asking – and we would remind them that he’s with Jesus. They would accept that answer. Sometimes they would ask why we were crying and we would tell them that we’re sad about Poppy and Addi even said, “well I’m not going to cry about that!”

But a few nights ago, I think it finally hit Addi. We were putting her to bed like we normally do – sing a song, say a prayer, etc. She started crying…big tears and a sad sob. When Ryan asked her what was wrong she said, “I just love Poppy and don’t want him to live with Jesus…that makes me sad.” She continued to cry for about ten minutes – saying “Poppy…Poppy” and finally Ryan calmed her down to pray. I obviously had to leave the room because my crying would have only made it worse. She said she wanted to pray for Poppy. In her little three year old way, she mourned my Dad that night. She got it and was sad. The next day, without being prompted, she went and found her little pink scrapbook that had pics from when Poppy was building her crib…she carried it around all morning and told me it was her special book. So sweet.

Then, in the car the next day, the girls were singing the song, as they do often, “He’s got the whole world in his hands.” They like to make up their own verses like “He’s got Addi and Kamryn in his hands” or “He’s got Mommy & Daddy in his hands”, etc. So they were singing along and Addi busted out with, “He’s got Poppy with Jesus in his hands.” Wow. How much truth is in that sweet innocent statement?

It struck me that – all of this IS in God’s hands. My heart is breaking wide open, but knowing that truth helps and gives hope. And seeing how even in Dad’s death, God is using him in mighty ways – I continue to be so very proud of him.

Addi and Kamryn will no doubt miss their Poppy/Hoppy. I certainly do…terribly. I am thankful they had the last two years to spend so much time with him and get to know him and love him. His face lit up when we pulled into their driveway, and he was always the first out the door to greet us. This new reality will be hard. Please pray for their precious hearts. I am thankful that they still have their Grandma Clark and Grandaddy & Grandma Dixon to love on them and make memories with them for hopefully many years to come.

I love you all and am truly thankful for our friends and family who have wrapped their arms around us and loved us through this time. Your prayers, calls, texts, emails, Facebook messages, flowers, food, and most of all – your presence, will never be forgotten and mean more than you’ll ever know. We genuinely thank you.

Thief in the night.

This morning, we walked outside only to find that our car had been rummaged through and our Garmin (GPS navigational system) had been stolen. The glove compartment was open and stuff was everywhere – they obviously were digging deep to see what all they could make off with. The good thing is that, the only thing of value in the car was the Garmin, which can easily be replaced thanks to eBay. This happened once before when we lived in Lubbock. While we were dating, Ryan had surprised me for my birthday by installing a CD player in my car. Not long after that, someone bashed out my window and took the CD player and all of my CD’s. I was so bummed!

It’s such a strange feeling to know that a thief has been on your property and taken something that belongs to you. It makes me feel very sad. Its like a slap in the face and a reminder of the evil that exists in the world. Its also a reminder of the desperation people feel to do things like this. I mean, if the person needed some sort of help, all they had to do was ask & we would have done what we could of to assist them. I’m praying for this person today.

As Christians, aren’t we thankful that material things are worthless in the big scheme of things anyways? All things here on earth are temporary…so really, what’s one little Garmin?!

“So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” –2 Corinthians 4:18

Heavy heart.

Ryan is at the studio and the girls are tucked away in their beds. I am sitting on the couch under a blanket with my laptop listening to nothing but the sounds of the keys as I type. And a cricket outside the front window. Sometimes it is just good to sit still and absorb the silence – the peacefulness.

There is a lot on my mind right now and quite honestly, I feel sad. My heart is heavy. A lot of people in my life are going through some serious issues. From family members, to friends at church, to coworkers, to blog friends. There is just a lot of hurt and various problems going on with many that I love & care about. I am very much a “fixer”…and when I can’t fix something, it makes me sad & I don’t know what to do. But here is what I do know – when something or someone is broken…God can do mighty things. Sometimes, we have to be broken first in order to be used to our full potential in life. God is shaping all of us into what He wants us to be.

This morning as I walked the two blocks from the parking lot to my office, I thought of these 2 verses & tried to meditate on them all day…

“…do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.” –Nehemiah 8:10

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds.” — James 1:2

I’ve heard it said before – you have to choose joy. I don’t know about you, but I struggle with this one. But, on the other hand – how could I not be joyful when I think of Jesus, what He did for me, how he’s doing a great work within me, and the end reward of heaven?

“Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.” — Colossians 3:2

On my heart this week…

There are two things on my heart this week, that I wanted to share…

1. If you haven’t seen or heard about the story of Matt Chandler from The Village Church, you should really watch this video….gosh, this really helps to put things into perspective. What an awesome example of a true Christ-follower…the real deal. I couldn’t watch it without crying – so inspirational!

2. Please take a moment & pray, pray, pray for sweet little Deacon Ivey (Ryan’s cousin’s son). Read about his story here. Such a precious, adorable little boy. Also, pray for strength for Aaron & Jamie during this time of their lives….these two are such great examples of Christ’s love.

Story Ivey

For those of you that have been following Ryan’s cousin, Aaron & Jamie’s story of adoption from Haiti, please read Aaron’s latest blog here. STORY IS HOME! So, so awesome. However, she really needs our prayers….she is very sick and in the hospital right now. Please join us in praying for this sweet girl. Also, pray for Jamie as she has got to be SO very exhausted. You can see some pics of their amazing homecoming arrival at the Austin airport that Tim, Aaron’s brother, took on his blog here.  I love it! Wish we could have been there. We love you Ivey’s!

Weekend Update with Traci Dixon

Hello friends & family! I don’t know about all of you, but I am happy its Friday. The weather here is awesome today – a cool & crisp Fall day, just the way I like it. I can’t say it enough – I love this time of year!

We have a busy weekend up ahead! Tonight is fajita night at the Dixon casa…another recipe Ryan has mastered. Also, Jen comes home from California this evening, so we’ll be picking her up at the airport…its nice living in a town that has an airport again! Saturday, I SHOULD be running in the Tyler 1/2 marathon, but due to various reasons that I won’t bore you with, we will just be running a long run from our house instead…which is fine by me! But I would like to wish Lauren & Amanda best of luck! Can’t wait to hear how it goes, and hopefully I will be able to join you guys next year. Anyways, back to the weekend…Saturday evening, one of my cousins, Danny, is getting married in Dallas. It will be a blast to see everyone in the fam as we celebrate w/Danny & Kelly! Ryan, the girls, and I are driving up there tomorrow afternoon for the wedding & reception…then, we have to drive back home afterwards – yikes! Pray that the girls will be troopers b/c they will be up WAY past their bedtime. And pray for our patience as we travel in the car with them! Sunday morning, Ryan has a live recording gig. Higher Trails (Joe Wayne Reynold’s band) is performing at a cowboy church here in Tyler and wants to make a live CD. How fun! Ryan is excited to have this unique opportunity & I know he will do a killer job…he always does. Sunday evening, our community group from church is having a cookout at the park which will be a lot of fun. We really look forward to building relationships within this group! So yes, as you can see – its gonna be a busy weekend for the Dixon’s.

I’ll leave you with a few updates/prayer requests…

-Memaw Bade (my Dad’s mother) is still in the hospital, but improving daily. They ran more tests, so we should have more answers hopefully today. Please continue to pray for her & for my Dad as he is at the hospital with her.

-Ryan had his 30th birthday this week! He’s the cutest, most handsomest, bestest husband I could ask for & I continually thank God for blessing me with such a great man & partner to share this life with.

-My poor Mom has a severe sinus/bronchial/ear infection and has been home sick for several days. Pray that she gets better soon…we don’t like it when Grandma’s sick!

-We got to have dinner this week with Gena Smith, which was great. She was in town as she takes courses at a college near Tyler. Its neat to catch up and visit with old friends!

-Kamryn tee tee’d on the potty this morning! It was SO cute. I know…sounds strange to say that someone going tee tee is cute…but you Mom’s know what I’m talking about! Ryan got her out of bed and her diaper was dry – so he just asked her if she wanted to go on the potty and she said “uh huh”, so he took her – and she went! She was so proud of herself…what a doll. Looks like she may be easy to train!

-If you haven’t heard or read it yet – Aaron & Jamie have a VISA appointment next week for Story, their baby girl they are adopting from Haiti! Please continue to pray for them through this process and also for Amos, that things would speed up so they can bring him home soon as well. Also, Jamie if you are reading this – the box of clothes is on its way!

-Texas better stomp OU this weekend. And of course, I’m hopeful for a big win against Nebraska on Saturday – GO RAIDERS!

-I’ve been slacking on the picture taking lately, but I got this the other night w/my iphone and I just love their faces! Gotta love baby bath pics…

That’s all for now! Have a great weekend! Love & hugs.

pray for the ivey’s!

ryan’s cousin, aaron, posted this blog today. and here is a recent post from jamie on the same topic. it breaks my heart…i know that aaron & jamie long desperately to have their two kids home from haiti…it has been such a long process and something ryan & i, and a lot of others, have been praying for.  so please join us in praying for sweet amos & story to be able to come home soon! and also lift up aaron & jamie as they continue to wait patiently on God’s perfect timing.

Momma got a job!

I just accepted an offer for a job with Coffee City USA in Tyler! How ironic is that? We used to get all of our supplies for Studio Java there. They are a roasting company that also sales wholesale coffee, supplies, equipment, and gifts to specialty mom & pop coffee shops around the country. How cool! I’ll be doing a variety of things for them including sales, marketing, customer service, etc. I’m pumped and excited to have this opportunity. I start on Monday. A few perks of this job (haha, pardon the pun but I had to do it)…

-I’ll be surrounded by the smell of coffee daily and endless access to all the coffee I want to drink…and I’m not talking Folgers! 🙂

-I get to wear whatever I want to work…jeans & a tee if I so choose.

-The people there seem really awesome & I look forward to getting to know & work with them.

-I get to help Mom & Pop coffee shops around the country better their business!!! I love that idea.

-I’ll get to learn more about the coffee industry from roasting to machinery to printing labels.

-I’ll get to commute daily with my handsome hubby & eat lunch w/him!

Also, I found a learning center that is literally right on the way to Tyler in Lindale…and it had openings for BOTH girls, which is rare! We are getting them signed up today. Its neat because they follow a curriculum to help the kids learn numbers, shapes, colors, letters etc. More than just a daycare & just babysitting…which I am thrilled about. Pray for my girls next week as they start here…I hope they love it! Pray for me too…it will be hard on me to leave them & adjust to that again.

Update on Ryan’s job…his first week has gone really well! He’s just learning the ropes and training. By next week, he’ll be running the show I’m sure! He’s going to do awesome in this new role and from what it sounds like, it will be an awesome mission field for him too. 

I am thankful for God’s provisions and for the opportunities he’s opened up for us. We greatly appreciate all of the prayers and support from our wonderful family & friends!