The “Anger” Phase.

24 Jul

I’m mad. There, I said it.

I guess over the past week, I have officially stepped into the anger phase of grief. I have to say, I don’t like this phase one bit. In fact, I hate it. The angry phase itself makes me angry. Denial is much easier. And I’m the type that cries when I get mad, so I’ve cried more this week than I have in a while. Its exhausting.

What am I mad at? Well, the grief books will tell you that typically people are angry at God or at the deceased. I am not mad at anyone – just mad at everything…not at Dad or at God, I guess just more at the circumstance. I am mad that Dad is considered “the deceased.”

What started these feelings? On our way back home from vacation last Sunday, I began to think about Addi’s 4th birthday coming up next month. Which led me to think about the fact that Poppy won’t be there. Then, I started thinking about all of the happenings that take place over the Fall/Winter timeframe that he wouldn’t be at…his 10 mile birthday run, all of my siblings birthdays, Thanksgiving, the Turkey Trot, White Rock Half, Christmas, football season, etc. Thinking about this as we drove down the road made me burst into tears and then…anger arrived. He physically won’t be at anything ever again. Ugh. It just all feels very unfair and very unbalanced.

Why am I telling you this? The grief books also say that you shouldn’t suppress your anger, because it could be worse in the long run if you do. Hence the reason I’m blogging about it now & telling friends about it.  For one – I don’t want anyone to ever think I’m being rude or cranky or short. Second, I am trying to be open and honest about this, like I strive hard to do in everything, because I don’t do fake. I am truly thankful for friends that allow me to be transparent and continue to love me.

Gosh, I just realized how selfish this post sounds. Looking back I see there are a ton of “I’s”. There are so many people grieving my Dad, not just ME. See, even this post makes me mad. But, let me go ahead and continue to be selfish and ask you….please pray for me right now. I don’t like to be angry.

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4 Responses to “The “Anger” Phase.”

  1. Jennifer July 24, 2010 at 5:37 pm #

    Praying that the peace and joy and powerful Spirit of the Lord rushes in and sweeps away this anger soon. {hugs}

  2. Laura July 24, 2010 at 10:19 pm #

    Traci,

    The books are so right. You can’t keep it bottled up in side. I know first hand all the stages you will go through cause I have done it three times since I have lost both my parents and my brother. You have so many of us that you can vent to and so you should. The main thing is to remember how blessed you are for having all those years with your Dad and all the sweet memories you will always have. There are so many that do not get to experience the wonderful family life you or I have had the pleasure of experiencing so maybe you can use all the bottled up anger to help others that are going through the same thing. The one thing you need to remember is that just because he isn’t here in the flesh he will always be in your heart and that is something no one can take away. Love you! I am always here for you and your family. With time this anger shall pass.

  3. ashley July 26, 2010 at 2:55 pm #

    oh trace, I’m so sorry. I wish we could just sit together and have coffee and be mad together. I wouldn’t think you were being selfish at all. I love you and am praying you work through this phase just as you have the others.

  4. Emily July 27, 2010 at 9:48 am #

    You don’t know me but i’m a friend of Ashley Sinclair’s and i’ve periodically popped into your blog through her blog. I’m also an avid runner, new mom, and a “daddy’s girl”. I was devestated for you when I heard the news about your dad. I am so close with my dad and we do alot of activities together, like you did with yours. Even though we don’t know eacother, I wanted to let you know that I have prayed for you during this time. I can’t imagine how hard it is but I know what it is to love a father so very much. Thanks for your blog and your honesty.
    Take care,
    Emily

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