Really? Wow.

I had my first dream (that I remember) about my Dad last night since he passed away. Passed away…gosh, its still so weird to say that. Anyways, so here’s how it went…

We were in an empty classroom at a school. Maybe I was a teacher? I was standing near a desk and Dad walked in and said he was here for a short while…like a “lunch break” or something. I, of course, hugged him forever and was completely filled with joy. Tears were flowing nonstop. Definitely a different cry than the cries over the past six weeks. So we started to talk and catch up. Weird because he didn’t really talk much – it was as though he really couldn’t speak, but was so eager to listen to me. He spoke mostly with his eyes, which had a very obvious sparkle in them. I filled him in on everything he’s missed since he’s been gone…stuff I knew he’d want to know and love to hear about. I told him all about his funeral service. About all the comments on his Facebook page and how people still post to it almost daily. How people have sent letters from all over expressing how he had impacted their lives. After each new thing I would tell him, he would have this amazed look on his face and just simply say, “Really? Wow.” I told him specific things…like how our dear friend Gena texted me just yesterday morning to tell me she had ran/walked 3 miles because she has decided to train for a half marathon and get a shirt printed with Dad’s name on the front for the race in January. I told him how Kamryn calls “Hoppy” on her pink play phone. I told him about Addi crying one night because she missed him and was sad. He teared up when I told him about that. I was just going on and on…and then I woke up. Unfortunately. It was way too soon, I was so not ready for it to be over. But I guess I’ll always feel that way about this whole deal. It was neat to see his expressions…he looked very satisfied and genuinely happy. The twinkle in his eye made me smile.

It was a good dream.

How are you doing?

How are you doing? This is the question I get a lot recently & honestly don’t know how to answer most days. The grieving process is very strange. I don’t know exactly how I’m supposed to feel really. Some days I cry a lot, some days I feel as though I can’t squeeze out one single tear. Some days, I somehow am able to push the thought out of my mind for short periods of time to fully focus on work, my girls, my husband, etc. Other days, I can’t focus on anything but the fact that he’s gone. Running has become more of a necessity than just a fun hobby. I yearn to go out for a run. It helps me to release the tension and anxiety I feel…however, I hardly can run without crying because my heart hurts continuously. Ending each run with a high five to the sky, I know there will never be a run that I don’t think about my Dad. Some days, I feel as though my sadness has turned into motivation – motivation to make the most of the day, be a good parent, and strive to be a difference maker. Other days, I feel like I’m drowning in my sadness and can hardly breathe. Strange, this whole death thing.

Today has actually been a decent day. I haven’t cried, until now at least, and I got a lot accomplished. I felt OK today. Got a lot done at work, enjoyed seeing my sister play with the new toys she bought the girls, had a nice dinner provided by good friends. Now, as I sit here and type my thoughts, I’m thinking tons about my Dad. Memories flood my mind. Thankful that I have over 10,000 photos (literally) in my iPhoto to look back on and remember all of the good times. Thinking it is so strange that he’s not here.

I gave this frame below to my Dad a few years ago as a gift and recently took it back home. It has two pictures of us on from one of our six Mexico Mission Trips. I love these two pictures and how they really express so much about our relationship. My Dad loved these pictures too…I remember how neat he thought this gift was when I gave it to him. The first pic is of him showing me how to hammer in the roof nails correctly, as we built a house for a family in need. He was always willing to help – whatever it was. Big or small, I was his little girl and he always took care of me. The second pic is of us when the job was done. My Dad used to always get teary eyed when we completed another house together, he was always so proud. And I was too. I love that we have these memories, along with so many others. I am missing him tonight and so very sad that there won’t be any more memory makers. But, I am so incredibly thankful for the ones we have made. Now, more than ever, I understand why they were so important to Dad to make them.

Beautiful One, I Love You.

Last night, we were at some friends’ house for the 4th and this conversation came up…”What do you guys do as parents to introduce your kids to the gospel?” Great question! It really made me think – what do we do?

Ryan & I shared that we try to read stories out of their Children’s Bible at night before bed. We pray with them often and bring Jesus into our conversations whenever possible…especially in those very trying & patience-building teaching moments. Also, we sometimes listen to worship music in the car when we are out and about. Either that or Micky Mouse Clubhouse or Owl City – their other faves. Lately, the girls’ have loved listening to Beautiful One by Jeremy Camp and Glory to God Forever by Fee – both awesome songs. It fills my heart with joy to hear their sweet little voices singing…especially when its a song to the Lord. Even when they don’t get the words right and are off key – its beautiful.

After some conversation, we determined that really…the hugest and most impactful way you can introduce them to the gospel is with your own life. Its not all about what you tell your kids, its about what you ARE in front of them. Challenging for sure. Something I need to work on daily & remind myself often…and honestly fail at frequently. Teaching my kids to live a life of worship and devotion to their creator can be done most successfully when I live a life of worship and devotion to my creator.

God has entrusted me & Ryan with these two little cuties and we certainly want to do whatever we can as their parents to assist them along their spiritual journey. We can’t wait to see how God uses each of their lives in great ways!

Thankful Board

This morning, I went out for a run. With tear filled eyes and a heavy heart, I logged 6 miles in the rain. Physically, it was a great run. Emotionally, it was hard. A lot went through my mind this morning. Today marks one month since my Dad passed. Crazy that its been that long already when it still feels so very fresh to me. The past few weeks have been the hardest of my life and those in my family’s lives. But through this tragedy, I have also seen some very neat things taking place. Blessings.

My friend (and co-worker) Sarah had the idea to make the huge chalkboard wall in our office our “Thankful Board.” Every day we try to write five things we are thankful for on the board to keep our minds focused on positive things and give God glory that is due for everything He has blessed us with daily. From small things to big things. Its been helpful to see some rays of sunshine during a dark time. So as I ran this morning, I tried to focus on things that I have to be thankful for & here are five, out of probably twenty, that I came up with.

So pretend the following is on a chalkboard that has “Thankful Board” written in huge pink letters at the top…

1. The friends and family that have completely wrapped their arms around us and loved & prayed us through this painful time, provided food for us for weeks, have allowed us to cry on their shoulders, and sometimes just came and sat with us – your presence means the world. We are thankful for each of you & the sense of genuine community we have here.

2. The way my Dad’s life is motivating us to make the most of our own lives. Ryan posted an awesome blog about this very thing, you can read it here. Dad used to tell us to always leave a place better than the way you found it. That’s inspirational to me on so many levels! It is overwhelmingly obvious to us that Dad definitely left this world a better place than the way he found it. Now its our turn. I am thankful for my Dad’s LIFE.

3. My Mom, brothers and sister. We are in constant contact throughout each day – phone calls, texts, emails, dinners, etc. Its much needed and somehow produces strength. My grandmother, mostly known as Memaw, told me just the other day that there is strength in numbers & gosh, that is so very true!

4. Ryan, Addi & Kam. There are no words. I LOVE my family with all that I am.

5. The song “Blessed Be Your Name” & the memory that goes with it. For those of you that were with us on the Mexico Mission Trip when my Dad’s truck got stolen – you know the depth & meaning behind this. And now during this time…even though the road is marked with suffering & there is definitely so much pain in the offering, we still continue to say – blessed be your name.

One Right, One Left

Turkey Trot - November, 2009

Me with the two greatest men in my life. The one to the left – my husband, my best friend, my children’s daddy, my heart. The one to the right – my dad, my friend, my mentor, and now more than ever, my motivation.

This Father’s Day is hard, I’m not going to lie. It hurts. Our hearts are still and will continue to be broken about this huge and very sudden loss. In honor of my dad this morning, we went and did this. It was very special. Gosh, I love my siblings and my mom – their presence gives me strength. Something about each of them makes me feel closer to my dad even though he’s gone.

After this walk of remembrance of one great man, I went for a 5 mile run with the other great man. Ryan and I ran through the town that with every turn reminds me of my dad. While running, I thought a lot. A lot about my dad and a lot about Ryan. This song by Sanctus Real came on about mile 2, and I thought it was so very timely and fitting for the day…

Today, as we continue to mourn, we also celebrate the life that my dad lived. Even though it hurts to push forward, I am motivated to make the most of this one life I have. My dad’s legacy will definitely be remembered and the memories we have with him will be treasured.

Today, I will celebrate my husband – who is such an amazing daddy himself and I love more and more each day. Addi and Kamryn adore their daddy and they have every reason too. He pours himself into them each day. He strives hard to be the best he can be in his role as a father…as he does with any role he takes on in his life. He is a lot like my dad in this way.

I love my dad. I love my husband. Happy Father’s Day to the two greatest men in my life!

He’s got Poppy with Jesus in his hands.

Many of you have asked how Addi and Kam are doing through all of this. As you know, our kids LOVE Grandma & Poppy. We have been blessed to live near them the last few years and spend a lot of time with them on a regular basis…definitely a God thing.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to handle telling them or what exactly to do. Heck, I still don’t even know how I’m supposed to handle it myself. We figured Addi was old enough and smart enough to understand, so Ryan & I wanted to make sure we did the right thing and approached her tender heart carefully. So after seeking advice from my mother and my grandmother, we determined to tell the girls that Poppy is living with Jesus now and that he’s so happy and will always be in our hearts. We didn’t let them see him at the funeral home, because that would have been too confusing.

They both seemed pretty unaffected for several days. They both loved going to Grandma’s house every day and playing with their cousin Kendrick…pretty distracted during the days of the viewing, funeral, etc. Every now and then, they would ask, “Where’s Poppy?” or “Where’s Hoppy?” – depending on the which child was asking – and we would remind them that he’s with Jesus. They would accept that answer. Sometimes they would ask why we were crying and we would tell them that we’re sad about Poppy and Addi even said, “well I’m not going to cry about that!”

But a few nights ago, I think it finally hit Addi. We were putting her to bed like we normally do – sing a song, say a prayer, etc. She started crying…big tears and a sad sob. When Ryan asked her what was wrong she said, “I just love Poppy and don’t want him to live with Jesus…that makes me sad.” She continued to cry for about ten minutes – saying “Poppy…Poppy” and finally Ryan calmed her down to pray. I obviously had to leave the room because my crying would have only made it worse. She said she wanted to pray for Poppy. In her little three year old way, she mourned my Dad that night. She got it and was sad. The next day, without being prompted, she went and found her little pink scrapbook that had pics from when Poppy was building her crib…she carried it around all morning and told me it was her special book. So sweet.

Then, in the car the next day, the girls were singing the song, as they do often, “He’s got the whole world in his hands.” They like to make up their own verses like “He’s got Addi and Kamryn in his hands” or “He’s got Mommy & Daddy in his hands”, etc. So they were singing along and Addi busted out with, “He’s got Poppy with Jesus in his hands.” Wow. How much truth is in that sweet innocent statement?

It struck me that – all of this IS in God’s hands. My heart is breaking wide open, but knowing that truth helps and gives hope. And seeing how even in Dad’s death, God is using him in mighty ways – I continue to be so very proud of him.

Addi and Kamryn will no doubt miss their Poppy/Hoppy. I certainly do…terribly. I am thankful they had the last two years to spend so much time with him and get to know him and love him. His face lit up when we pulled into their driveway, and he was always the first out the door to greet us. This new reality will be hard. Please pray for their precious hearts. I am thankful that they still have their Grandma Clark and Grandaddy & Grandma Dixon to love on them and make memories with them for hopefully many years to come.

I love you all and am truly thankful for our friends and family who have wrapped their arms around us and loved us through this time. Your prayers, calls, texts, emails, Facebook messages, flowers, food, and most of all – your presence, will never be forgotten and mean more than you’ll ever know. We genuinely thank you.

Dear Dad

Unconditional love. That is what you taught me and that is what you gave me. Me and so many others. You were always there for me. When I made a mistake, you were there to help, no matter the circumstance. When I needed advice and didn’t know what to do next, you would tell me to “do the next right thing.” You listened. You loved. You made me feel special.

Making memories was important to you…our “deer hunting” adventures while singing silly songs, bull nettle busting around our house you built in the country, tossing washers in the shop on snowy days, all of our Mexico Mission trips, running races together, and the list goes on and on. Now more than ever, these memory makers are treasured. They are priceless and I will never forget the wonderful times we had together.

You were the strongest person I’ve ever known. You were a rock. We always knew that Dad would know what to do. “We’ll ask Dad.” “Dad can do it.” “We’ll get Dad to help.” “Dad will know.” These were common phrases around the Dixon household, as we knew we could always count on Dad – for anything, anytime, anywhere. He was there for us and with a smile on his face.

My Addi loves her Poppy and sweet Kamryn certainly adores her Hoppy. I love how God orchestrated the last two years of our lives to live right here close to you so our girls could get to know you. We will never let them forget you Dad.

You lived life to the fullest. You always said you loved mornings because you woke up with an excitement for what each day may bring. You wanted so badly to make your life count and leave a legacy. I couldn’t be more proud of you as I stand here today and say that you’ve done it Dad…you accomplished your goal. You’ve run a great race. And now my goal is to carry on that zeal and passion – to make each day count. To make memories whenever possible with those that I love.

There was, nor ever will be, a doubt in my mind that you loved me. I couldn’t have asked for a better Dad and I will forever be grateful that God blessed me with you.

As I used to say every night when I was a little girl, “Good night Daddy, I love you Daddy.”

Traci

Family Photo Shoot

A couple of weekends ago, my sweet friend Cyndi took pictures for us. It was a beautiful day & the girls were surprisingly cooperative! By the end of the shoot, Addi was directing us all…”right here is a good spot” or “stand in front of that tree!” My girls are definitely used to being in front of the camera…the little hams! Cyndi did a great job & got almost 200 shots. I won’t post all 200, but here are a few of my faves. I am so thankful for my family!

Some things that make this mommy’s heart smile…

Being a mommy is an incredible thing & I feel so blessed to have two beautiful precious baby girls! Here are some things (out of millions) that melt my heart…

• when they say” mommy i love you” out of the blue.
• when they give slobbery kisses or bear hugs that aren’t prompted.
• when their faces light up when I walk into the room after a long day.
• when they make each other laugh hysterically.
• when its so very obvious how much they are in love with their daddy.
• when they race each other on the trails.
• when they hold each others’ hands in parking lots.
• when they “help” us grocery shop with their mini buggies.
• when they ecstatically squeal as we turn into the driveway at grandma & poppy’s house.
• when they ask me to snuggle with them with a blanket on the couch.
• when their daddy tickles them and they say stop while giggling & then ask for more.
• when they dance around the living room to “ballerina music.”
• when they sing any praise song together in the bath tub.
• and the list goes on, and on, and on….

I love these munchkins!

Race for the Cure & Mommy’s Day

Yesterday, the girls, my Dad, and I participated in the Race for the Cure 5K here in Tyler. Addi was so excited to “cross the finish line with Poppy” – that is all she talked about for the days prior to the race. And Kam is just always happy to do anything. We got up early & walked across the street to the starting line. Chilly morning, very surprising for May! It was a packed out race with over 6,000 participants! Dad & I enjoyed it…it was a beautiful day.

This morning before breakfast, I was handed a precious card that led me here for a special Mother’s Day message. Gosh, I am so blessed! I LOVED this. I am truly thankful for two beautiful daughters who make me a Mommy. And for my sweet husband who took the time to make this video for me. It definitely made me feel special! 🙂

After church, we went to Quitman to celebrate with my Mom. Ryan grilled steaks for everyone, Mom made all the sides, and I made a German chocolate cake..delish! I am grateful to have such a wonderful, loving mother. She is such a great example to me as a mom. At nearly 30 years old…when I need advice, I call my Mom. When I am sick, I call my Mom. When my girls are sick, I call my Mom. Her caring heart and Godly wisdom is something I admire. I love you Mom!

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my sweet friends who are Mommy’s…I love you all!