Tears in my pillow.

16 Sep

As my head hit the pillow last night, I thought about my Dad and how much I miss him. Every single night, as I’m going to sleep, I think of him. Sadness overcomes me – yet again – but usually I can tell myself…you will see him again, he’s so happy right now, he loves you, you were blessed to have him, make him proud with the life you have left and then, I fall fast asleep in that peace.

Last night was one of those nights where it wasn’t that easy. Not that it’s ever easy really, but telling myself those things wasn’t helping. Not at all. I thought about my parents anniversary coming up next week, then Dad’s birthday the week after. I was thinking about how Addi still struggles with missing Poppy, like the rest of us, and even cries for him on occasion. Her heart is broken about it and I hate that…but I love how much she obviously loved him and still thinks of him. I was thinking back on the last time I hugged him the Monday before that Friday happened- in the front yard, after we had sat on the porch steps just talking. I yearned to hug him again. I thought how badly I could use his advice on things right now and how I’ll miss his advice…he was so wise. I was asking why all over again. I was comparing him and his health to others and thinking, its just not fair. My heart hurt and I couldn’t breathe, and I certainly couldn’t fall asleep. I snuggled up next to Ryan, cried into my pillow for a long while and eventually drifted off.

Several months have passed and it still hurts, and I’m certain always will to some extent. But I will continue to try oh so hard to focus on the fact that I will see him again, he’s the happiest he’s ever been, no doubt he loves me and is proud of me, and I want to do whatever I can to honor him and, even more importantly, my heavenly Father with the rest of my days here.

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3 Responses to “Tears in my pillow.”

  1. Jennifer September 16, 2010 at 7:26 pm #

    I will pray for you tonight as I lay my head on my pillow.

  2. Jamie Ivey September 20, 2010 at 11:24 am #

    Traci – love you girl and think of you often wtih this loss. i can’t understand it either. i too have compared health with others and it’s not fair. nothing is fair. BUT you are so right w/ all you tell yourself about him. hard to take in though when you are hurting so hard.
    looking forward to the end of November!

  3. Kate September 20, 2010 at 10:07 pm #

    Oh Traci, I can relate to this so much. I cried a lot of tears on my pillow in the months after my mother passed away. It hurts. Really hurts. Praying for you, friend.

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