The “Anger” Phase.

I’m mad. There, I said it.

I guess over the past week, I have officially stepped into the anger phase of grief. I have to say, I don’t like this phase one bit. In fact, I hate it. The angry phase itself makes me angry. Denial is much easier. And I’m the type that cries when I get mad, so I’ve cried more this week than I have in a while. Its exhausting.

What am I mad at? Well, the grief books will tell you that typically people are angry at God or at the deceased. I am not mad at anyone – just mad at everything…not at Dad or at God, I guess just more at the circumstance. I am mad that Dad is considered “the deceased.”

What started these feelings? On our way back home from vacation last Sunday, I began to think about Addi’s 4th birthday coming up next month. Which led me to think about the fact that Poppy won’t be there. Then, I started thinking about all of the happenings that take place over the Fall/Winter timeframe that he wouldn’t be at…his 10 mile birthday run, all of my siblings birthdays, Thanksgiving, the Turkey Trot, White Rock Half, Christmas, football season, etc. Thinking about this as we drove down the road made me burst into tears and then…anger arrived. He physically won’t be at anything ever again. Ugh. It just all feels very unfair and very unbalanced.

Why am I telling you this? The grief books also say that you shouldn’t suppress your anger, because it could be worse in the long run if you do. Hence the reason I’m blogging about it now & telling friends about it.  For one – I don’t want anyone to ever think I’m being rude or cranky or short. Second, I am trying to be open and honest about this, like I strive hard to do in everything, because I don’t do fake. I am truly thankful for friends that allow me to be transparent and continue to love me.

Gosh, I just realized how selfish this post sounds. Looking back I see there are a ton of “I’s”. There are so many people grieving my Dad, not just ME. See, even this post makes me mad. But, let me go ahead and continue to be selfish and ask you….please pray for me right now. I don’t like to be angry.

Sick.

I have been sick. Real sick for about 4 days now. I went to the doctor yesterday to find out I have bronchitis – BOO! I hate to be sick. I am a fairly healthy person, don’t get sick that often. I don’t think I have been this ill in years…in fact, I don’t remember the last time I felt this bad. Totally sucks! I’ve missed two days of work now – which is also rare. I’m sure I’ll be swamped when I get back. Anyways, there really is no point to this post other than to say – I’m sick. Maybe I just need your sympathy!

Too much?

Is anyone else this paranoid about taking their kids to public potties?*

*Disclaimer…this was a park restroom. You know, the kind without hand soap or lights.

Updates with Pics

We have been without internet at the house for about a week now. Its amazing how you feel so out of the loop and in the dark when you aren’t online!  But we are hooked back up & back in action now. I’ve been meaning to post some pics for a while, so some of these go back several weeks…but hey, better late than never right? Soooo….here are some recent (and slightly random) happenings around the Dixon household…

> Grandma & Grandaddy Dixon sent a box full of goodies for Valentine’s Day….we love boxes that arrive on our doorstep from Virginia! The girls loved their cute cards, pink purses, new bears, toenail polish & girly lotion/bath sets…and Mommy & Daddy enjoyed the chocolates.

> Ryan recently did all of the audio for the musical, Singing in the Rain, up at the college where he works. He hooked us up with some free tickets and I took the girls, along with my friend Cristy & her beautiful twins. It was a lot of fun & all of the girls enjoyed it! Addi was a little disappointed because she thought she was going to be the one dancing & singing on the stage…not just watching from the crowd!

> My cousin Christi has two little boys with birthdays close together. Brody & Mitch had a combined birthday party at McD’s and the girls had a great time playing with their cousins! Plus, they loved the cake & icecream & the kazoos.

> Grandma Clark bought Kam & Addi some new sleeping gowns last weekend and they LOVE to wear their “dresses” to bed. I mean really, I know I’m biased – but does it get any cuter? And notice how they are just about the same height these days.

> With the warmer temperatures & Spring in the air, we have been spending a lot more time outside & loving it! Walking around our neighborhood, taking a jog with the new stroller at the trails, or just hanging out & playing in the yard is a fave around here this time of year. Ryan & I have made a goal for ourselves to become more “neighborly” and really reach out & befriend those living in our area. We moved into this house last Fall and the cold weather hasn’t really allowed for much outdoor time until now…so we’re hoping to intentionally get out & get to know those living around us this Spring. We have a cookout in the works w/our next door neighbors…they have little ones too (and an awesome meat smoker that Ryan secretly hopes to borrow on occasion).

> My little brother Jeff recently moved to Tyler. It is still crazy to me that he is in college now…much less living in his own house! Makes me feel so old. Little Jeffrey is growing up! Here is a pic that my mom took at one of our normal Sunday lunches at their house…us with Jeff & his sweet girlfriend Amy.

> Is anyone else having a hard time believing that its already March? Much less mid-March! 2010 is seriously flying by. On New Year’s Eve, I posted this blog with my 2010 Resolutions. For those of you holding me accountable, here is an update for you…

• I’m on track with my “Everyday Bible” reading plan. I’ve missed a day here & there, but caught up the next day. I have to be honest…I LOVE IT. Reading every day has become like an addiction for me. I can’t wait to get up & read. It has been SO good for me in my walk with Christ. Even reading through Leviticus.
• As for running…we are training now for the upcoming Azalea 10k that is at the end of this month here in Tyler. Also, Ryan, Dad, and I are all registered for the Capitol 10k in Austin in April. Two 10k’s back to back should be a lot of fun! Once I get those under my belt, I’ll start upping my mileage and start preparing for the next half.

I guess that’s about it for now…I apologize for the randomness of this post. Have a great weekend friends!

updates that begin with ~

~ i love this time of year…change of seasons to the fall (YES!) and football season. i posted a blog a long time ago about reasons i love fall & winter.

~ both of our football teams lost this weekend. boo!

~ lots of birthdays coming up! my dad, jen, ryan, jeff – all over the next few weeks.

~ 1 of my cousin’s has a wedding in dallas, 1 of my other cousin’s has a wedding shower, and another cousin has a baby due all in october!

~ ryan & i are going camping in t-minus 12 days…we’ll be heading to beaver’s bend for a peaceful weekend alone!

~ a few of my very best friends have 5k’s this upcoming weekend. good luck danny, ashley, & rachel! let me know how it goes. i’m so proud of all of you.

~ ryan & i have started lifting weights at the gym at his work. its nice, not to mention free! trying to incorporate more cross-training in along side my running.

~ ryan made these chicken enchiladas the other day & they were absolutely amazing…you should definitely add this to your recipe book.

~ addi’s teeth & gums are healing nicely…it looks almost back to normal & she doesn’t seem to be in any more pain. whew!

~ ryan & i have officially joined grace community church this weekend. we love the values & vision of the church & are pumped to get more involved. ryan has been helping on occasion w/the audio. we also plan to join a small group in a couple of weeks…looking forward to being part of community again.

~ rumor has it that we may be enjoying this on saturday night in celebration of jen’s bday!

~ the office this season has been hilarious thus far…i love this show!

~ the girls love to watch videos in our bed while i’m getting ready. so i will end this post with a pic of my cutie pie punkins cuddled together in “momma & daddy’s bed.” have a great week friends! until next time…

Today is important.

“This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalm 118:24

“My biggest desire as far as my time goes is to choose how to spend it purposefully rather than have it chosen for me by the dictator known as Default.” – Kristen Armstrong

Ryan & I have talked a lot recently about cherishing each moment, making the most of each day, and not just living life always waiting for the next thing. If you know us well or have kept up with our blog, you know that the past few years have been absolute craziness. The birth of our daughters, moving from Lubbock to Quitman, opening a business, closing a business, searching for jobs, deaths in the family, moving to Tyler, starting new jobs, finding a new church, starting new day cares, etc. A lot going on. But guess what? That’s just life…and it will continue to be crazy from now on. Maybe not to that extent (and thank God for that!), but as I grow older, I realize that life is just absolutely nuts…there is always something going on – whether it be good or bad. We humans are a busy people. So, Ryan & I have decided to strive to embrace each day and each moment as they come. This is our latest goal as parents and in our  marriage. We challenge each other to remember this daily. When we are with our kids, we don’t want to be thinking of other things…we just want to be with our kids.  Enjoy the precious time we have with them – reading to them, playing tickle fest, and cuddle time…because we know, in the blink of an eye, they will be teenagers. I can’t even think about that without getting teary eyed!

Its easy to get caught up…waiting for Friday, waiting for payday, waiting for vacation, waiting until this happens or that happens…not wrong things for sure.  Just normal things. BUT, do you embrace the Monday’s & Tuesday’s? Do you live in the moment, so you don’t look up one day & realize you’ve wasted precious days, weeks, and years?

I, for one, want to live each day purposefully. Today is a gift and we will never have it again. TODAY is important.

With love,

Traci

trail running and shirt memories

this evening, we went running at the mineola nature trail…went 8 miles. it was tough, but we did it! i enjoyed the change of scenery…its beautiful out there & so peaceful. surrounded by tall trees, ponds, and gorgeous views…its a neat place. i was a little nervous that i’d see a crocodile or snake, but thankfully we never did! if you live in east texas, you should definitely go check it out. while getting ready for our run, i threw on a race shirt that i got from last summer’s too hot to handle race in dallas and it made me think about something…shirts really do bring back a lot of memories and if you are like me, you have a ton of t-shirts that mean something special. i have shirts from bands i like or have seen in concert, mission trips i’ve gone on, races i’ve done, trips i’ve taken, restaurants i love (chuys), studio java shirts, events i’ve attended, etc. its neat to look through my collection of shirts in my closet to pick out one to wear and recall fond memories! one particular shirt that always brings a smile to my face says “fusion” on the front…some of you will know which shirt i’m talking about & will agree!

9:15

9:15 is the time this morning that we got out of bed!!! with a one year old & a two year old, that is pretty much unheard of around here. they slept until 9:30 this morning! it was awesome. now, we are headed to tyler to do some shopping with jen. ryan starts work on monday, so our schedules are about to get a lot more hectic! here’s to a relaxing weekend.

sunday thoughts

right now, i just put the girls to bed & sat down to watch celebrity apprentice. i’ve always been a succor for the apprentice! ryan went to dallas tonight to pick up my sister, jen, from the airport…they should return in a couple of hours. all is quiet and i plan to chill out for a little bit & eat some phish food. yeah!!!

here are some random thoughts & updates for you…

-first of all – GREAT NEWS: ryan got a job at tyler junior college as a media specialist & we are SO thankful and excited about this. we feel so blessed to find this job in this economic crisis! he starts a week from monday.

-i’ve applied to several jobs in the area and am hopeful to find something very soon as well…i’m now considering part-time and trying not to put the girls in daycare. or if i find a full-time job, it has pay something substantial to justify the crazy costs of full-time daycare for 2! God will provide just the right thing, we are confident.

-so it looks like we’ll be staying here in east texas for a while…living in my sister’s house has been great and we love it. we’ve done some decorating this weekend to make it more “home” for us…hung curtains, put up some art, moved in more of our stuff, etc….

-this warm weather has been awesome…its always refreshing & good for my soul when spring rolls around! enjoy these days while they last b/c it will be HOT again before we know it….ah, running in 100 degree weather and having to ring out my running clothes afterwards here i come!

-addison has been doing so awesome at potty training…i couldn’t be prouder! she loves how happy it makes us…her face just lights up and you can tell she is just so proud of herself…i love it!

-i am just so thankful for my family…both sides – dixon’s and clark’s. i love my family & some recent events have just made me more aware of that! 

-ryan has nailed a new recipe for pulled pork that is amazing! he sears it on the grill, smokes it and finishes it up in the crock pot….oh my, is it good!

-kamryn still doesn’t say too many words. you can tell she knows what you are saying and understands…she just chooses not to talk. but, she does say something that just melts my heart. i will say, “who loves mommy?” and addi will yell out, “i do!” and kamryn will say, “do!” its adorable.

-ok, gotta focus on the apprentice now…hope you all have a great week!!!

Ryan’s new-do… by Ryan

Whelp. I cut it myself this morning. I knocked 2.7 seconds per mile off my 5 mile run and it took 1/4 of the amount of shamp & condish than it did yesterday. I am actually bummed not to need the use of our chi straitener for a while. Here’s to the good old days.